It seems that every time I travel back to my home country, I discover something new, offering me the opportunity to connect more and more with myself.
This time was no different.
As a child, I was raised with a deep sense of inadequacy - always feeling insufficient, never mature enough, and never ready to face the realities of my world. My parents, like most adults around me, often took charge of the tasks I was supposed to do, thinking they were keeping me away from harm.
Their intentions were noble, but having them constantly directing my actions made me loathe what I was doing. It cluttered my thought process with their unsolicited advice, and even when they weren't around, I could still hear them in my head.
I grew up seeing youth as something to get over fast, at the same time igniting a stark desire to become an adult. I always promised myself that when I would become a parent, I would handle things differently.
The years went by, and I find myself an adult, at least in terms of age. Yet, I woke up realizing that I am doing the same thing to my own child, until this recent trip when things started changing for me.
Before my journey, I came across an insightful book on Adlerian psychology, which initially left me skeptical due to its unconventional ideas. However, as I delved deeper into the book, I started appreciating the concepts proposed by Adler. Even though his approach is still not fully understood today, his ideas began to make more sense to me.
One of the key concepts he puts forth was the "Separation of Tasks." This gave me one of those AHA moments.
It turned out to be a true revelation, making me understand how absorbed I was with my constant internal conversation. The "Separation of Tasks" is nothing more than understanding which task is yours in relation to another person.
One of my traits is that I always offer my help even when it is not asked for, which at times leads to an unbalanced relationship.
Bearing this concept in mind provided me with a valuable tool in my interactions with my son. The simplicity of this concept astonished me. As I applied it, I could feel how the friction was disappearing little by little. All I had to do was suppress my initial instinct, remain silent, listen, and observe. Understanding which task was mine, which was his, and staying out of his way made all the difference.
Ignoring My First Instinct, Listening to My Intuition
At first, it was damn hard. I had so many things I wanted to comment about. By forcing myself to ignore my first instinct a couple of times, I managed to quiet the constant chatter in my mind. This led to unveiling something invaluable - my "gut feeling" (intuition). For the first time, I was able to navigate tense situations more effectively and with better results. I began to truly see him and better understand his needs and to enjoy pure collaboration. The best part? I could also see how he immediately appreciated the change in my behavior.
The biggest realization of all was that I was having this approach, not only with my son but with everyone around me. In my constant quest for protecting, I was interfering way too much and way too often with others' tasks.
This shift allows me to create the space I needed to think in my thought process.
And you? How do you deal with your internal conversation?