Many times, my mind wandered during conversations, focusing on everything except the actual discussion. I'd be half-listening, half-busy planning my response or a smart comeback. Sound familiar?
One Friday afternoon, while in a meeting with a colleague discussing a critical situation she was facing, everything changed for me. As she explained the issue, my mind was already racing to identify a solution and craft an answer.
Just before I could open my mouth, I realized that I barely remembered half of what she had said. So, I scrambled to piece together the missing parts. Confident in my abilities, I jumped into providing suggestions. However, I noticed her expression shifting from hope to disappointment. I was puzzled.
I'm not one to shy away from tough conversations, so I asked her what was bothering her. She explained that she needed to vent and share her thoughts, to have someone listen as she verbalized the situation for better understanding. I couldn't believe I missed that. It was an 'AHA' moment for me, a sour one, but it triggered a change inside.
In recent years, following that incident, I made a conscious effort to become a more mindful listener. However, understanding what that meant and how to do it remained a mystery. What does "mindful" even mean? And how does one practice mindfulness? 🤷
Until a couple of months ago, when I had another enlightening moment that unjumbled this mystery.
In a previous article, I shared my discovery of Alfred Adler's individual psychology, specifically his concept of the Separation of Tasks. This concept transformed my approach to everything I do, but more importantly, my interactions with others.
What I do is quite simple. Every time I find myself in a conversation, I break it down into three distinct tasks: listening, understanding, and responding (LURe). This straightforward process helps me focus and stay present.
As I step into a conversation, my first task is to listen first. This awareness helps me eliminate distractions and create space for genuine connection and understanding.
In the past, my mind used to get cluttered with needless worries and a rush to respond. Once I started applying this technique, I felt time expanding. Transitioning from multitasking to single-tasking created the space I needed to think. Surprisingly, this allowed me more time for each step, which, in turn, calmed my mind.
Nowadays, when my mind begins to wander during a conversation, I gently remind myself: 'My task here is to listen first.' This simple trick always brings me back to the present.
Over the years, I've noticed how a simple conversation often leads to frustrations. I realized that most of our differences boil down to one thing: unclarified expectations.
The second step in my process is understanding. This is why, after truly listening, I make sure to understand what the other person needs from me. So, I ask before taking any action. This step is crucial for a mindful conversation.
And believe it or not, silence is often the best response, marking the conclusion of step three.
In the end, these three steps have transformed how I experience my interactions with others. Give it a try, and you'll witness the magic unfold.